There has been public surprise at the revelation that Ms. Lilliput Duchamp, of the Swindon Ballet Troupe, is a practising communist. “What can I say? A planned economy just makes sense” Duchamp told the press this morning. “And of course, for real freedom and the flourishing of art forms such as my own, capitalism will have to be cast off” she added.

Far right groups have lined up to condemn Duchamp, saying her public role is incompatible with her political worldview. A UKIP spokesman told us that “This is just another example of the far left’s hypocrisy. They moan about the EU being undemocratic and evil and then stand for the European parliament! Er…”. A BNP protester addressed the point in hand. “You or I might not notice it, but through subtle movements in her dancing, Duchamp is infecting the minds of the audience with all sorts of common-sensical communist ideas. This has to stop. We can’t have attractive women skilled in a delicate artform going round promoting positive politics”. Duchamp contends that the analytic method of dialectical materialism has contributed greatly to her dancing. “It’s all about the dynamics of counterposed forces, know what I mean?”

Some have suggested that Ms. Lilliput is not, in fact, a communist at all. “Half of her fellow cast members are bourgeois, for Christ’s sake,” opined William Hague of the Tories, “as are 80% of the audience. Surely, Honourable Members, it could be that she is not the genuine materialist article, but merely a Labourite who’s been fooled by the far-left’s new reformist look exemplified by Respect”. The debate shows little signs of slowing and Labour are proposing an Anti-Extremism Law which (cont. p.85)

by Laurie Smith